Morning Readers, or no readers as the case may be.
I understand that to have ones blog *read* one needs to promote it but really when I can quite easily manage not to post for 4 days theres not a lot of point is there! i will endeavour to just write when I can and if I miss a couple of / a few days Its because I probably do my best witty thinking in the car on the way to work and by the time I get home it all seems so 6 hours ago.
Hey well I did get into Uni though.
I wish all you had to do to earn your Ed Cred was get in , I'm a bit nervous about the whole assignments/study thing (ie I dont want to do it really) but If i want whats at the end, aforementioned ed cred then at this stage I just have to do it and I promise if I am going to pout I will do it quietly.
Crap. Horrid woman from work that never lets you know what is goin on until the last minute just rang to say I didnt have to go into work if I didnt want to. now seeing as I have hadless than 5 hours sleep this seems like a good idea, the shit thing about it is that I got up extra early to get the kids up ( my sister and my daughter) which was a job in itself. now I feel like crawling back into bed and they are up wanting stuff to *do*
Hell.

Good Old Days

My Daughter is 11 on Monday.

I told her that yes she would indeed have to clean her room before she could have a party but after only 2 out of the 15 people she invited called to RSPV I figure its punishment enough and her room is still.. yukky and we are going to see spongebob squarepants (the movie) and eat KFC. oh joy!

The life of a ten-nearly eleven year old seems so simple, Not nearly as complex as the life of a 30-something too much weight carrying. che-guevara tshirt wearing, leftover fruity-lexia drinking "on special" pate eating stressed out Individual such as myself. Anyway, i digress.

When I was 10 I was into Blondie and Rocky Horror and Adam Ant (Oh was I into Adam Ant, Seeing Adam and the Ants was the first concert I ever went to, at the now defunct and flattened Apollo Stadium in Adelaide) If I wint hte lottery I will go see Blondie in a couple of weeks, One Hundred and thirty somethign dollars ? fark, sitting down ? FARK what has gone wrong. I am digressing ,again.

For my 10th Birthday I wanted to go ice skating and my (incredibly poor) mother took me and ten "friends" to the local ice arena. Unfortunately I was not the most popular girl in school, (unless I was having ice skating parties), and spent most of the day alone wishing I could be normal (POP-U-LAR)

I asked mum for a hot chocolate and she said "no", for years I thought that was a pretty heartless thing to do as I was obviously pretty fucking miserable and in need of comforting but I suppose when you have no money and have managed (somehow) to pay for 11 kids to go ice skating, whether they like your child or not, if you aint got the hot chocolate money you aint got it.

I try to always have the hot chocolate money, even if I don't have the cash to take 11 kids ice-skating.

Or see Blondie.

Once were worriers

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. n stuff.
Had my first go at NLP today (neuro linguistic programming) and apparently went back and cleared some blocks, re programmed some neurons nad imprinted some happy thoughts on my troubled childness.
I also walked up and down a room with my eyes shut which is a feat in itself.
I am desperate to rid myself of the crap that floats behind me with regard to the relationship (or lack therof) i have with my mother. did i mention that i bought a house with her two years ago? no didnt think so. anyhow. its brought up all the niggly shitty crappy hateful fuckass things that its supposed to so i can get rid of them and start to blossom, or something.
I am so ready for some direction and creativity channeling.
Bring it On !

How hot is too hot ?

44 degrees is too. freakin. hot.
I went back to work today after three-ish weeks and though I am seriously thinking of packing it all in due to overbearing nutcase ever criticising croatian administrator I am loathe to just abandon the kids and want to be able to still play with them whenever i want to. (i work in childcare, sort of and i.t. sort of)
unfortunately i cant have everything so i need to make a decision one way or another soon.
I find out if i get into Uni next week which should make things a bit clearer.
shit its been a long day and im really just knackered and hot and tired and not up to being witty or anythign at all really but ill leave this here becasue its all about the little things isnt it. like being hot and tired and unfunny.

Rebirth

hmm ok well hello, first post.
I am used to posting here but haven't for some time as I am a somewhat well intentioned but lacking in the actual delivery kinda person.
As I have the new google toolbar with the little orange "b" on it i thought i'd better get me a blogger account proper, quite frankly the prospect of one click entries won me over.
Anyhoo, I have posted a couple of photos, purely by accident but I took them and therefore I am going to leave them. so there.
Before I start on this new blog thing I'm gonna get a teensy bit more organised then I think manage to spew forth some ramblings quite regularly-ish so stay tuned.

Cute

If they came cat sized and didnt spit or poo or wee I would so have one as a pet

Flaming Goddess is a photographer

This is what happens when your favourite photograph gets stuck to the glass in its frame due to some nefarious rogue fluid and you have to put it in the sink under much water to try and salvage it. Anythign that looks this pretty shouldnt piss you off too much.

Baby Goddess

This photo was taken from my front gate in my old house that i left behind and most of the time totally regret doing. It was also taken at about the same time i started my first blog, the first post of which I am going to share with you complete with typo's a) because it might give you some idea of where i was 2.5 years ago, b) because its kinda funny and c) i am "so" much more maturerer now (aint been dicking anybody due to my total self-esteem makeover, either that or i just put on too much weight and dont fit in my sexy clothes no more) and last of all d) because i can. here tis. ooh and boy did it lose its formatting ! I'll try to break it up a bit.

my love/hate net/me thing
18 Aug 2002
Firstly you need to know that I have an ongoing love hate relationship with the Internet, and I suppose if I am to be completely honest, (and I see no point in being anything but) with myself as well, whoever she is.I love that so much information is accessible from the comfort of my own chair and that it is an avenue through which I can meet people and have conversations when I would otherwise be at home alone talking to the dogHoweverI hate that most of the information is shit and that most of the people I encounter are liars and cowards.

With regard to me: I love that I am smart, funny, attractive, genuine, caring, curvy, supportive, flexible, responsible, sharing, generous, modest (haha)I hate that leaving the confines of my agoraphobic turtle shell head to deal with other humans can make me doubt all these things and focus on all the horrible aspects of myself, be they imaginary or not.I keep encountering people that seem to think its amusing to find an honest person to play with (although they call it “refreshing” and “getting to know” at the time) they listen to my life, listen to my fears, my hopes, my aspirations, my SELF and for the most part share what I am led to believe is theirs. Granted most of this occurs virtually as I am unable to leave my house due to responsibilities of being parent alone with child, but really.. Does being on the end of a keyboard mean that you are allowed to discard all human virtues? And if so WHYI have found that I am continually attracted (?) to people that revel in my honesty for as long as they think its worth something to them and then they either shit all over me, making me feel weak when all I am is human. Or just disappear entirely, which just makes me question my sanity.It’s been a lifelong thing I guess.

I had a conversation with my beautiful funny and smart yet still strangely and similarly supportive partner-aly challenged friend “S” today and we identified, through process of mutual eating stuff that isn’t good for us and feeling like crap, that the reason things like this happen to people like us is that we are too afraid to identify and stand up for what we actually want. It is so much easier to not ask and hope, than to ask and be disappointed, even if the end result is the same.Why is that?Question: how the fuck do you tell shit from sunshine if they, even for a brief second, feel the same? Answer: I have no idea.Let me share something with you …

Mon. Feb. 21 2000 (I consider myself to be a little bit wiser, now, but not much)

From (Internet Liaison #2)

Dear (Flaming Goddess),I have woken up with some concern about your recent comment that you areunsure as to whether we would be on the same wavelength, were we to meet upin person. I don't think it would be very hard to tune in together, but Imay be wrong. I can't help but think that it comes down to whether we wouldbe good companions as in being able to walk through the park and tell oneanother (what we both think are) funny stories from our past such as thetime you stuttered "I c-c-cant" when you were supposed to carry the silverservice tray with 36 champagne flutes upon it that time you were wrecked ondope. I also think that part and parcel of that would involve an element ofcompetition where we try to outdo one another with the funnier tale and youwould probably win 'coz I try too hard and then we could tease one anotherabout the very act of telling these things to one another as we walk.As for what I envision beyond that, for you and for me, well it isunderstandably scary and liable to send me potty sometimes as the truth is,it is as follows. I visit you sometime after my thesis is done in 3 monthstime. I walk and talk with you. We go to a cool pub together and talkintensely one to one and really dig into each other’s way of expressingthemself and appreciate it like it is the essence or something that we havefinally found. I listen to your laugh in person when you are excited atsomething and it makes me smile to myself. We kiss on the lips in public.The first kiss has a zing in it like fizzy sherbet or something. We evenhold hands. I feel weird and happy. We hug a lot. You make room in your bedfor me, somehow, and we at least snuggle up together like two peopleabsolutely delighted to have the other's flesh moulding to theirs. This iswhat I think about a lot. I don't really work up any elaborate sexualgyro-contortions in my head as much as I think of being in some kind ofbalance with you as loving companions if that doesn't sound too new age -that 'balance' bit I mean.I really do love you deep in my heart and I don't just say it lightly. Iloved you even when I was trying to drive you away by being a maniac. Itried to do that because I find this very frightening as I hadn't banked onthe possibility of feeling so weak and dotty for anyone like I have done, anddo for you. I talk to you in my head all day long and it is like we arealready together. even thru the bad shit, even over the distance.Help. Do you know I am actually a bit teary right now from a mix of a)happiness to be confessing this love and b) sadness at the inability to hugyou right now and rub your back and smell your hair and head on my shoulder.

Love XXX “J”

Righto, well that’s lovely isn’t it. Makes you feel like there’s hope for the world doesn’t it, that there’s hope for you, that men are actually capable of love and honesty etc ?

wake up FG !This Man was, is, and probably will be for a very long time. Married.

And not to me

I found this out because they had a fight once, she left and he loved me so much, we were so close I was the only person he could call in his moment of need. (At 1:00 am)
“J”: “sob sob , my life is a mess, I am a complete fuck up my marriage is over
”FG: “your WHAT”
“J”: “ ____”
Yes silence, whoops!, wasn’t supposed to tell the online girlfriend that you were married were you.

To my credit or eternal stupidity, I continued to talk to this man (although any romantic notions went out the freakin’ window so fast let me tell you.) I spoke to him at length about whether or not he should stay with his wife of 6 years or get back together with the mother of his 9 year old child (and no I didn’t know about her before either) I put all my hurt aside and counselled this man for Christs sake.Sometimes until very recently, he even sent me emails asking if I still loved him, If I still listened to the tapes he made me (no I don’t), still had the homemade cards with pressed flowers (yes I do) If I thought that we would ever meet. ……………………

To tell you the truth dear readers, and I always will, I went to the city in which he lives last week and he couldn’t, over 5 days, find half an hour to meet me and just acknowledge my existence as a real person. Must be cos he was busy with the new baby.He still messages me and asks me how I am??? (nb not anymore he doesnt.) Tho after not replying he may have just got the idea that I’m pissed off.

This man and I never met, three years of my life, and we never met. Had lots of phone sex, never met.See now that makes me a moron, a woman with an IQ of over 130 being nice to people that don’t deserve it. Giving chances to the non-chance worthy But! You see the things that make me this kind of moron are also the things i would like to be loved for, a dichotomy if there ever was one. Especially seeing that I am getting less and less inclined to be nice.

Conversely .. I don’t want anybody that loves me because I am a moron.

I just spoke to my dad, my dear, alcoholic, child abandoning, generous, funny, provider of half my genes. He said I don’t have to stop being nice, just learn to be nice to the ones that deserve it. It is with this man that I have conversations like this .. (after I had been punched in the head by real life b/f “P” who will feature later when I can deal with the feelings I have about him being the only man who ever truly knew and understood me and is now very dead, oh and he punched everybody in the head, it wasn’t personal..)

Dad: “you need to find better men”
FG: “ It is a well known fact that women fall in love with men who remind them of their fathers ergo, you should have been a better father”
Dad: “yeah I know”

I love my dad, really I do.

Anyway, I am guessing that I just have to learn that loving myself has to be enough, and that anyone loving me as well is only going to be a bonus, and a bonus is never anything that you can rely on.God this really does sound a bit like a tragic “I’m feeling sorry for myself” load of shit but it is only entry number2 and I’m still finding my feet. I have to say that I fell for it again though, not J again (no way) but G, whole new person, whole other country this time. The funny thing about G is that at the beginning of the week I’d hardly spoken to him, (thought the times I had had felt authentic, man must my radar be broken). Mid week (that’s 5 days ago) he told me he has been waiting his whole life to find someone as refreshing as me as honest as me as genuine as me, that he didn’t know he was looking for me until he found me, that he knew that words were empty so he would show my with his actions how glad he was to have found me. This was during an 8-hour phone call. (That HE made, gee it doesn’t take much to suck me in does it? he calls therefore he’s trustworthy ? fark.)

Anyhoo, the upshot/(downshot?) Is that I haven’t heard from him since, so I go through that whole hmm, is he an asshole? Am I that stupid? Am I that needy? Is he dead? You get the idea. Lucky for me I like me a lot this week and I’m only falling apart to the degree that I went shopping and bought shitloads of comfort food, and am spending an inordinate amount of time in my pyjamas and check my emails in the middle of the night. I even called him he wasn’t home/didn’t answer/hates my guts/was asleep/got kidnapped by aliens. Who knows.There’s probably a perfectly good explanation.. Probably, and I really don’t want to waste time on shit like this but enquiring minds want to know. Dammit.If he sent me an email saying that he made a terrible mistake or was on drugs, or possessed, when he was conversing with me I would accept that but nothing? Nothing is just so. Nothing.

OK for the record, in case you haven’t made up your mind as to whether or not I am certifiable yet, Internet Liaison # 1 was with someone that lied about everything I knew that at the time, but ran with it anyway THAT phonecall cost me $500 THAT idiot told me he was in the secret service, THAT guy should have unblinkered me permanently. but no.Seems I don’t learn from my mistakes, just get better at making them.Gonna stop now because this is not supposed to be an online journal about Jackass Men. Or is it? I hope not.

Yours truly,F.G.