the hell of being me

god damn.

i cant take the parent stuff anymore, and you know what ? there are NO RESOURCES for people that feel like that.

try doing a google search for " i want to give up my child" or "sending child to live with grandmother" and see how many hits YOU get.

See I am one of these hot headed yelling screaming not coping types that sometimes resorts to handling my child with more force than is absolutley necessary.

i just put her through a wall by grabbing her shoulders and pushing her up against it. (a very flimsy wall but a wall none the less, it broke) and i feel like shit. but i did it. i'd go into the circumstances,.. the 10 times i asked her to talk to me instead of writing notes giving me the silent treatment, the 5 times i stated in varying degrees of escalation that i was losing my temper and to please just talk to me..

but it wouldnt matter cos at the end of the day i am an asshole and i should have done better.

you now what ? cant get anger management for women, cant get help, cant fuckin kill myself because there is no-one to step up to the plate and take over the parenting for me and as much as i am a totally fucked up angry hurting mess of a person i actually want her to have a better life and a dead mother has decidley less potential for improvement than a live one.

I know i am destroying my child, but you know what ? i dont have the energy to do anything about it here. i need a break, a really fucking long break. i am a bad person, a shit mother, a selfish bitch, whatever, but i'm tired and i want out. i dont want to hurt her anymore she deserves better than me and i just dont have it.

my father has 4 kids to three different women, i am kid number 2 to mother number 2 he had the luxury of walking away and i wish i did. i am so much like him. so much. it scares me.he understands but hes not alot of help in his filthy house for one where he drinks beer and smokes dope all day. he said its all he ever wanted to do and that sometimes its even enough. fuck im a genetically shit person.

my daughter is 12 i do love her but it almost feels like its in an abstract sense its certainly not in the "take a bullet for her" sense, and i wish it was different, i wish it was, but its not.

i had an abortion when i was 15. i figured everyone gets one chance to fuck up and that was mine. it still messes with my head today even though it was definately the right thing to do at the time.

when i got pregnant with my daughter at 21 (day before period due, no ejaculation) i figured i had used up all my chances,i promised myself i was never going to have another abortion again so on the promise made to myself as a 15 year old i went ahead with it. no skills, no qualifications, no father, no family support, no job just ahead full of ideals. 15 year old stubborn-ness.

and god im glad she is on the planet, she is a great kid that could do and be anything she wants to be.

anyway, these 15 year old ideals lasted till she was three and got me through an easy pregnancy, breast feeding for 2.5 years, the ability to endure an on again off again rescue mission to try save her now speed addicted father so she would have one (whilst being subjected to domestic violence and all the crap that goes with having a completley nutso person think they have a right to you and your house whenever they need somewhere to stay becasue you had their child even though they disappeared as soon as you told them and didnt come back till just before she was born and continually remind you that they didnt want her)

I adored every little thing about her for three years

and then i fell into a deep depression that had me in my pyjamas for 6 months. no help from family i just existed for that time and if you told me she ate peanut butter sandwiches the whole time i wouldnt be suprised. i dont remember. that period of time was the first time i hit her. it was crazy stupid loss of control and rage at everything that had gone wrong and i think a part of me died along with a part of her that day. i dont think either of us have ever recovered.i know i never did.

we got out of that hell hole into another house and things got back on track, i went back to uni and got a job and was back in control of things.

the day after her 5th birthday i was rear ended whil at the lights in a car accident which has left me with permanent injury to my neck, regular pain and headaches and loss of strength and mobility, after a three year court case which i lost due to incompetent lawyers i was a mess. i still am, a mess.

i dont know how to fix it. if i wasnt such an anal retentive control freak i would be a drug addict or an alcoholic, im too lazy to be an excercise freak and just seem to spend a lot of time ignoring her because i dont want to yell, or scream, or cry or beg her to PLEASE pick up her dirty clothes off the floor / raw pasta from under the couch etc etc etc.

god i dont know why im writing this. i need to get it out i suppose. where is the support for people like me ? why do people not understand that when they say "you have to" that I CANT it doesnt work like that, i suppose its like telling a depressed person to "feel better" maybe im depressed. but shit i have reasons to be.

my mum ignored me too.

i really want this to get better. but i just dont know what to do. i work too much, if im not at work im asleep, or hiding behind the computer. avoid avoid avoid.

my daughter is growing into a young woman that has a lunatic for a mother, she deserves better and i just dont know where that is.