Get over it already

random offers to come fuck me
will not fix what i am feeling
I've been told to let it go, no more to be said, he said
he feels he said he felt, he didn't feel and he's just gone
yet i still fucking cry
because I still fucking feel
and its not fair that he got under my skin so
because it keeps me here, holding onto the pain
because its all I have left of him
and i have to just sit with it
until its evaporated from my pores, until its gone
its not fair that he got so far under my skin, so fast
but he did

Lost

I wanted to dance

with you 

I had so much more

more than fleeting

was the plan

but you left

and I dance alone

like a fucking weirdo

drinking the good wine 

alone

slow

tearful moves

empty arms

I wonder

if you ever really wanted

me 

around you

like I wanted you around me

Blind

And I look,
only to see you .
but I cant see you
I see you, but Its not the you
that belonged to me,
only fleetingly
its some other guy
someone else's guy
And I want to yell at him
tell at him
that I see him
that I want him
that I would have loved him, eventually
and that I'm sorry
that its not to be
but I want him to be
happy
even if its not with me

Out of the Blue

And like lightening
you struck me
tore me open
set me on fire
and as fast as you hit
you were gone
and I'm here
left
torn open,. and on fire

Gates and Doors and Hearts on floors

The key, to my house
sat snugly in my purse, burning a hole in the folds,
hot with promise, and fear.
as you burned your way in to me
fierce, steady heat
you cut through my layers like a hot knife through butter
never before has a touch been able to set me on fire so
and soothe me
I rose, and I fell, into you
I saw myself through your eyes, your words, your touch
and fell in love. with me.
i could no longer tell where i stopped and you started
i breathed you in, i fell, i fell, oh how I fell
but it felt
like flying
and i felt\
for the first time, that I was home, that you were home,. for me.
and whats mine, could have be ours
and that maybe, I could love again, and be loved in return
torn, tissue paper and dust, helpless beneath your fingertips
I gave it all over
but i misread,.. something
everything.
and just as you appeared, you were gone
and my flesh burns
hot with the ignition of your touch it smoulders still
but the key to my house still sits snugly in my purse,
now cold, bitter and hard with indifference and redundancy

The Return

yada yada did something stupid here i am . need somewhere to post shit to alleviate the need to vent, without the angst and crap that comes from doing it on facebook. lets do these questions again so i don't have to think 

a list of random questions with off the top of my head answers. like 6 years later. 

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was ages ago  the best kiss. the best. ever. 
2. I am listening to The stupidly loud air conditoner that is pretending its a heater Spotify Shazam playlist
3. I talk a lot of crap   to try to get people to understand me
4. I am dating  no one   a bottle of gin
5. My best friend(s) are a long way away  all over the place and i love them
6. My car is a piece of shit  lilac and still going
7. I hate it when people ask most things  get stuck under my skin
8. Love is like oxygen  oxygen
9. Marriage is something other people do  sigh
10. Somewhere, someone is thinking that things will never get better   hopefully lotsd of people are thinking
11. I'm always wishing i was asleep  that i knew what i wanted
12. I have a secret crush on Noel Fielding   no one at the moment firmly ensconced in recovering from my last one
13. My mobile phone Is fixed. Yay !  old
14. When I wake up in the morning I wish it wasnt morning am going to go straight back to sleep
15.Before I go to bed at night I tidy up wash my feet
16. Right now I am thinking about how much my head hurts  Matt
17. Babies are teenagers in disguise   often ugly but sometimes cute and good for snuggles
18. I get on MySpace to see what Megan has written my space ? lol. ok to be honest i was there yesterday stalking
19. Today I finally got the address changed in my licence 2.5 years after i moved.  admitted defeat
20. Tonight I will drink more red wine and take a super duper painkiler   tonight as in now or like later after much sleep? right now its gin and painkillers. later it will probably be be red wine and painkillers
21. Tomorrow I will probably have a hangover   probably ? lol ... imma write this whole fucking week off.
22. I really want that painkiller, and some cuddles  Matt
23. Someone that will most likely repost this is no one  Me 
24. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved you? i dont fuckin know and meant it ? maybe 3
25. Have you ever thought you would marry someone? yeah   Yep. He died
26. Are you crushing on someone? no  crushing ? no . wissing the complete and absolute shit out of ? yes 
27.Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt? I walked into a sign after I first kissed a boyfriend once. that hurt.  yep
28. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend mad? repeatedly  not recently
29. Are you happier single or in a relationship? depends on the relationship im happiest in a good relationship
30. Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? No never ever no way. who does that ? Have I meant it when i shouldnt have ? probably
31. Have you ever had your heart broken? yes   its heldp together with spit and rubber bands at the moment.
32. Have you ever broken somebody's heart? i think yes   never intentionally. i think the yongsters call it "friend zoned" now.
33. Think any of your ex's feel the same? as what ?   if they did the ones that count would be here.
12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend? definately  I respond very well to being treated well
13. Have you dated people who were not good to you? often  fuck yes , what a moron
15. Have you dated someone older than you? if by dated you mean fucked, yes. same same
16. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? everyone ? no  most everyones. but i am too fucking nice
17, Do you believe in love at first sight? love no lust yes  I bekleive you can recognise potential for love yes.
 18. Do you want to get married? not for the sake of it but yeah i suppose yes  only if i find the love i know is possible
19. Does heart break really feel as bad as its said to be? yes  worse. much much worse
20. Would you believe your ex if she/he said they still love you? yes but it would annoy me  he never said it but if he came back id let him, eventually
21. Would you date your best male/female friend? if by date you mean fuck ? ...... probably  if i havent already fucked them its a no
22. Have any of your ex's called you by a nickname after the breakup? yeah.  no that 'd be me the dipshit.
23. Do you regret any of your relationships? only the length of time it took me to learn what i had to learn from them and thats it.  fuck the more things change hey ? good news is the time im taking to learn lessons is getting, shorter.

I'm back Bitchezzz

testing

I love my eyefoan x

a list of random questions with off the top of my head answers. 1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was ages ago 2. I am listening to The stupidly loud air conditoner that is pretending its a heater 3. I talk a lot of crap 4. I am dating no one 5. My best friend(s) are a long way away 6. My car is a piece of shit 7. I hate it when people ask most things 8. Love is like oxygen 9. Marriage is something other people do 10. Somewhere, someone is thinking that things will never get better 11. I'm always wishing i was asleep 12. I have a secret crush on Noel Fielding 13. My mobile phone Is fixed. Yay ! 14. When I wake up in the morning I wish it wasnt morning 15.Before I go to bed at night I tidy up 16. Right now I am thinking about how much my head hurts 17. Babies are teenagers in disguise 18. I get on MySpace to see what Megan has written 19. Today I finally got the address changed in my licence 2.5 years after i moved. 20. Tonight I will drink more red wine and take a super duper painkiler 21. Tomorrow I will probably have a hangover 22. I really want that painkiller, and some cuddles 23. Someone that will most likely repost this is no one 24. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved you? i dont fuckin know 25. Have you ever thought you would marry someone? yeah 26. Are you crushing on someone? no 27.Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt? I walked into a sign after I first kissed a boyfriend once. that hurt. 28. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend mad? repeatedly 29. Are you happier single or in a relationship? depends on th relationship 30. Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? No 31. Have you ever had your heart broken? yes 32. Have you ever broken somebody's heart? i thinkyes 33. Think any of your ex's feel the same? as what ? 12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend? definately 13. Have you dated people who were not good to you? often 15. Have you dated someone older than you? if by dated you mean fucked, yes. 16. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? everyone ? no 17, Do you believe in love at first sight? love no lust yes 18. Do you want to get married? not for the sake of it but yeah i suppose yes 19. Does heart break really feel as bad as its said to be? yes 20. Would you believe your ex if she/he said they still love you? yes but it would annoy me 21. Would you date your best male/female friend? if by date you mean fuck ? ...... probably 22. Have any of your ex's called you by a nickname after the breakup? yeah. 23. Do you regret any of your relationships? only the length of time it took me to learn what i had to learn from them and thats it. I have lots of online friends. unfortunately only about one of them reads this blog and the rest of them are not allowed to read this blog because most of them are actually real life friends as well and only suspect my sordid past. I also havent really held back on any opinions and disclosures and I never really wanted to share this ID with my family but I have also posted bugger all as a result so I am moving, To somewhere my brother can visit. damn idiot wont let me anonymous post on his blog and theres no way I'm leading him back here! I have important things to say to him like, damn Jason you gone ruined my anonymous blogging life. Anyhow, I digress. This is my last no holds barred post that I am going to make here. the rest of them will be found here Thanks to My American myspace friend for giving me a last post idea. Love You all. all one of you :) this email will still work and i may still come post every now and the if (when) i do something stupid :) xxx

I wish

Lets not pussyfoot around

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you .... The Pussyfoot

" It is the perfect combination of foot and vagina. "

The perfect addition to those who already own the penis knee and the breast eyebrow.

I'm sure theres much cleverer stuff to say about this here but buggered if i know what it is.

FG

A Vertitable Smorgasbord Orgasbord

I gone done been tagged by Brownie to list 8 random things about myself ... So ...

1. I am notorious at doing anything I have to do for Uni at the last minute. I will stop doing this when they stop rewarding such rebellion with credits and distinctions.

2. I believe the Universe owes me a living.

3. I cant say no to extra work even though it messes with my neck injury.

4. I dont want to work so much (See 2 & 3).

5. I think I am a little suffering with the OCD.

6. I am great a t a lot of things but I dont think ill ever be an expert at anything.

7. I am scared to follow my passion for photography cos all i want to do is take pictures I like, Im good at that and not interested in learning about f-stops and depth of field theory.

8. I worry that I missed the relationship boat but fear I would not have been very good at it anyway, at least this way I dont have to address it.

I have a feeling Im a lot more random than 8 allows but thats it for today.

x

My Bed Buddies

I dont believe in compromise.

So, Until I find something better, I sleep in the middle of this.







They all snore.

Phew

Feeling much better thanks*

*No Fruity Lexia was harmed at the finale of previous post

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine

This is me swimming in loch ness.

I am feeling VERY FUCKING MELANCHOLY tonight.

Three posts in three hours.

I couldn't give a shit if anyone finds me, there I am, In my undies .

I am in hiding in my room. And I want to be somewhere else,

Even if it is in Loch Ness, freezing my ass off (figure of speech) in my underwear.

I could always get out of there.

Here .... not so easy.

Looking at pictures of Scotland has been making me cry.

Cleanskin Merlot is out and its on to the fruity lexia. . . . . .

Some fuckin thing has to give here. this is no way to live a life.

xxxx

FG

Calling

Oh, and I want to get back into photography.

I feel a little better

This is a political compass.

And according to here Im a little to the left of Ghandi,

not much, just a little.

anyway this makes me feel slightly better about the fact that I am hopeless at posting, hopeless at doing any Uni work, way behind in responding to people i really want to talk to but just cant find the impetus to come out of my shell and call/email (Brownie you are one of them and I think you are wonderful and generous and please dont feel that I dont think so).

being in "tha ghandi quadrant" makes me feel a little better, not much, just a little.

If i'd come out in the opposing quadrant I dont think I'd be a very nice person. Wether i was more dilligent a studyer/emailer or not.

I feel decidedly off lately. as if my overseas trip was entirely made up in my head. I want to go back. Or just go from here, sharing my life with a 13 year old is hard. I have a plethora of online dates to follow up but cant bring myself to even reply.

I am pathetic, wait, no im not, im Ghandi, see? its not all bad.

I hope they meant Mahatma.

ouch

hello, theres the picture of victoria st looking up from grassmarket that was supposed to go with the i love edinburgh post, it was taken at about 4.30pm. one day i will print / upload the pictures and you can look at them all. no people just architecture and stuff like the above. man i miss that place.

my neck has been really bad lately. i suppose thats what you get for putting up fences when you are supposed to be putting up your feet and getting massages.

so its the super duper emergency painkiller for me tonight instead of the go out and enjoy the st pats revellers and a few green beers.

oh well always next year and maybe even before then. maybe.

apart from my neck shoulder arm elbow wrist problems everythign is good.

need me some of that foot massaging though.

love fg

oops

Hiya.
Special Hello's to Brownie n RH who I think are the only people that read this. *waves*
Things are chugging along in FG land. although I seem to have forgotten how to type.
backspace is my friend.
i sent an email to my ex today. i told him i missed him, which i do. sad but true. bastard.
im not feeling very inspired tonight. will try again tomorrow.
need to go to sleep and hopefully this time not dream about bum head ex boyfriends.
xxx

More of the same shit

gosh its been three months.
in that time i've been overseas and fulfilled a lifelong dream. it was just to go overseas. not much else happened, going was enough.
I am back at work with a year contract which is an improvement on the usual 10 weeks.
sex life is still slow. my daughter is associating with Emos and doing my head in.
13 year olds are evil.
I am tiring of the internets but still reading all the blogs i have been reading for the last year.
am going to endeavour to watch more tv and post more blogs about actual stuff.
just have to find some actual stuff, to do.
fg xx

ps

Edinburgh.

loved it.

oopsie

My neighbour and I have been drinking and copying porn VCD's for the last few hours. I though I was keeping up ( WITH THE DRINKING) but she just fell over three times, the last time on her face, I thnk she's broken her nose but she doesnt realise it yet.
Im not sure if this means that a) I can handle my alcohol better b0 I have better balance over all or c) she is just a totally out of control alcomaholic. if so does that make me an in control alcomaholic ? I usually am blessed with control issues to a varying degree.
Anyway. we both have to work in the morning. I just carried her home. and I can stil type. should I be concerned ?
FG xx