a list of random questions with off the top of my head answers. 1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was ages ago 2. I am listening to The stupidly loud air conditoner that is pretending its a heater 3. I talk a lot of crap 4. I am dating no one 5. My best friend(s) are a long way away 6. My car is a piece of shit 7. I hate it when people ask most things 8. Love is like oxygen 9. Marriage is something other people do 10. Somewhere, someone is thinking that things will never get better 11. I'm always wishing i was asleep 12. I have a secret crush on Noel Fielding 13. My mobile phone Is fixed. Yay ! 14. When I wake up in the morning I wish it wasnt morning 15.Before I go to bed at night I tidy up 16. Right now I am thinking about how much my head hurts 17. Babies are teenagers in disguise 18. I get on MySpace to see what Megan has written 19. Today I finally got the address changed in my licence 2.5 years after i moved. 20. Tonight I will drink more red wine and take a super duper painkiler 21. Tomorrow I will probably have a hangover 22. I really want that painkiller, and some cuddles 23. Someone that will most likely repost this is no one 24. How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they loved you? i dont fuckin know 25. Have you ever thought you would marry someone? yeah 26. Are you crushing on someone? no 27.Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt? I walked into a sign after I first kissed a boyfriend once. that hurt. 28. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend mad? repeatedly 29. Are you happier single or in a relationship? depends on th relationship 30. Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? No 31. Have you ever had your heart broken? yes 32. Have you ever broken somebody's heart? i thinkyes 33. Think any of your ex's feel the same? as what ? 12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend? definately 13. Have you dated people who were not good to you? often 15. Have you dated someone older than you? if by dated you mean fucked, yes. 16. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? everyone ? no 17, Do you believe in love at first sight? love no lust yes 18. Do you want to get married? not for the sake of it but yeah i suppose yes 19. Does heart break really feel as bad as its said to be? yes 20. Would you believe your ex if she/he said they still love you? yes but it would annoy me 21. Would you date your best male/female friend? if by date you mean fuck ? ...... probably 22. Have any of your ex's called you by a nickname after the breakup? yeah. 23. Do you regret any of your relationships? only the length of time it took me to learn what i had to learn from them and thats it. I have lots of online friends. unfortunately only about one of them reads this blog and the rest of them are not allowed to read this blog because most of them are actually real life friends as well and only suspect my sordid past. I also havent really held back on any opinions and disclosures and I never really wanted to share this ID with my family but I have also posted bugger all as a result so I am moving, To somewhere my brother can visit. damn idiot wont let me anonymous post on his blog and theres no way I'm leading him back here! I have important things to say to him like, damn Jason you gone ruined my anonymous blogging life. Anyhow, I digress. This is my last no holds barred post that I am going to make here. the rest of them will be found here Thanks to My American myspace friend for giving me a last post idea. Love You all. all one of you :) this email will still work and i may still come post every now and the if (when) i do something stupid :) xxx

I wish

Lets not pussyfoot around

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you .... The Pussyfoot

" It is the perfect combination of foot and vagina. "

The perfect addition to those who already own the penis knee and the breast eyebrow.

I'm sure theres much cleverer stuff to say about this here but buggered if i know what it is.

FG

A Vertitable Smorgasbord Orgasbord

I gone done been tagged by Brownie to list 8 random things about myself ... So ...

1. I am notorious at doing anything I have to do for Uni at the last minute. I will stop doing this when they stop rewarding such rebellion with credits and distinctions.

2. I believe the Universe owes me a living.

3. I cant say no to extra work even though it messes with my neck injury.

4. I dont want to work so much (See 2 & 3).

5. I think I am a little suffering with the OCD.

6. I am great a t a lot of things but I dont think ill ever be an expert at anything.

7. I am scared to follow my passion for photography cos all i want to do is take pictures I like, Im good at that and not interested in learning about f-stops and depth of field theory.

8. I worry that I missed the relationship boat but fear I would not have been very good at it anyway, at least this way I dont have to address it.

I have a feeling Im a lot more random than 8 allows but thats it for today.

x

My Bed Buddies

I dont believe in compromise.

So, Until I find something better, I sleep in the middle of this.







They all snore.

Phew

Feeling much better thanks*

*No Fruity Lexia was harmed at the finale of previous post

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine

This is me swimming in loch ness.

I am feeling VERY FUCKING MELANCHOLY tonight.

Three posts in three hours.

I couldn't give a shit if anyone finds me, there I am, In my undies .

I am in hiding in my room. And I want to be somewhere else,

Even if it is in Loch Ness, freezing my ass off (figure of speech) in my underwear.

I could always get out of there.

Here .... not so easy.

Looking at pictures of Scotland has been making me cry.

Cleanskin Merlot is out and its on to the fruity lexia. . . . . .

Some fuckin thing has to give here. this is no way to live a life.

xxxx

FG

Calling

Oh, and I want to get back into photography.

I feel a little better

This is a political compass.

And according to here Im a little to the left of Ghandi,

not much, just a little.

anyway this makes me feel slightly better about the fact that I am hopeless at posting, hopeless at doing any Uni work, way behind in responding to people i really want to talk to but just cant find the impetus to come out of my shell and call/email (Brownie you are one of them and I think you are wonderful and generous and please dont feel that I dont think so).

being in "tha ghandi quadrant" makes me feel a little better, not much, just a little.

If i'd come out in the opposing quadrant I dont think I'd be a very nice person. Wether i was more dilligent a studyer/emailer or not.

I feel decidedly off lately. as if my overseas trip was entirely made up in my head. I want to go back. Or just go from here, sharing my life with a 13 year old is hard. I have a plethora of online dates to follow up but cant bring myself to even reply.

I am pathetic, wait, no im not, im Ghandi, see? its not all bad.

I hope they meant Mahatma.

ouch

hello, theres the picture of victoria st looking up from grassmarket that was supposed to go with the i love edinburgh post, it was taken at about 4.30pm. one day i will print / upload the pictures and you can look at them all. no people just architecture and stuff like the above. man i miss that place.

my neck has been really bad lately. i suppose thats what you get for putting up fences when you are supposed to be putting up your feet and getting massages.

so its the super duper emergency painkiller for me tonight instead of the go out and enjoy the st pats revellers and a few green beers.

oh well always next year and maybe even before then. maybe.

apart from my neck shoulder arm elbow wrist problems everythign is good.

need me some of that foot massaging though.

love fg

oops

Hiya.
Special Hello's to Brownie n RH who I think are the only people that read this. *waves*
Things are chugging along in FG land. although I seem to have forgotten how to type.
backspace is my friend.
i sent an email to my ex today. i told him i missed him, which i do. sad but true. bastard.
im not feeling very inspired tonight. will try again tomorrow.
need to go to sleep and hopefully this time not dream about bum head ex boyfriends.
xxx

More of the same shit

gosh its been three months.
in that time i've been overseas and fulfilled a lifelong dream. it was just to go overseas. not much else happened, going was enough.
I am back at work with a year contract which is an improvement on the usual 10 weeks.
sex life is still slow. my daughter is associating with Emos and doing my head in.
13 year olds are evil.
I am tiring of the internets but still reading all the blogs i have been reading for the last year.
am going to endeavour to watch more tv and post more blogs about actual stuff.
just have to find some actual stuff, to do.
fg xx

ps

Edinburgh.

loved it.

oopsie

My neighbour and I have been drinking and copying porn VCD's for the last few hours. I though I was keeping up ( WITH THE DRINKING) but she just fell over three times, the last time on her face, I thnk she's broken her nose but she doesnt realise it yet.
Im not sure if this means that a) I can handle my alcohol better b0 I have better balance over all or c) she is just a totally out of control alcomaholic. if so does that make me an in control alcomaholic ? I usually am blessed with control issues to a varying degree.
Anyway. we both have to work in the morning. I just carried her home. and I can stil type. should I be concerned ?
FG xx

MEMEMEME

Stolen From Twisted Uterus who stole it from Marit who Is someone I dont know.
1. FIRST NAME? B .. somethinsomethin
2. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Loads of people had names before me I didnt start nufink new there
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? ummm, cant remember (oh the joy of anti-depressants)
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sometimes, if i have a nice pen.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? theres a difference between breakfast and dinner meat? I like Lamb and Chicken. and if this thing means processed crap I choose Fritz.
6. KIDS One Human, two canine.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDSWITH YOU? yeah absolutley but I reckon I would have punched myself by now
8. WHERE IS 8 ?
9. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Your reading it.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No Fucking Way.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Muesli with fruity bits
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? only if they are thongs.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Boysenberry ripple
16. SHOE SIZE? small and wide like little webbed rectangles.
17. RED OR PINK? See a Doctor.
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am a master procrastinator
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Ex, no not you asshole the one before.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Yes everyone in the ENTIRE WORLD.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black Pants White and pink shoes (ack).
22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Clickety Clickety clack
23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple.
24. FAVORITE SMELL? Cooking bacon, White Musk (bodyshop). freshly showered boys (over 18)
25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Uhhh My Daughter.
26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? That I am attracted to them.
27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? First Impressions are good
28. FAVORITE DRINK? Grapefruit juice, or cranberry
29. FAVORITE SPORT? Yuk, me no like sport
30. EYE COLOR? Whitish with slatey bluey greyey circles in them and black circles in those.
31. HAT SIZE? I fuckin hate hats. If I wear one its stretchy (and cold outside)
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No. Glasses, yes.
33. FAVORITE FOOD? Cheese.
34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? Pirates of the Carribean II
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring.
36. HUGS, KISSES OR BOTH? Both. depending on who's offering
37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Lemony things.
38. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Hello is anyone still reading this ?
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Most of the human race.
40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Media Literacies Readings for UNI (yeah right)
41. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Dont have a favourite.
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Nothing.
43. FAVORITE SOUNDS. My Nieces.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
45. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? That isnt x-rated? probably would say I have a good eye.
46. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? June 19th 1971, Adelaide, South Australia
47. WHO SENT this to you? Stole it from Twisted Uterus
48. The one thing you like most about yourself? My brain
49.Who is the one person who knows you better than anybody? My ex, no not you asshole, The one who died.
50. One thing you would like to say to those you are sending this to? Thanks for listening.

It's been three months since my last confession

At the risk of causing aneurisms to burst at the realisation that I have actually posted, I have come today to share a photo of Michael Franti that I took today because he happened to turn up in front of me when I had my camera.
It is not likely that having famous people turn up in front me wil be a regular occurence but I shall endeavour to keep you posted on anything of interest that occurs, and a whole lot that may not be very interesting at all.
Anyway, I'm here, I'm alive, single(again), working hard and in the middle of organising to buy a house so it's all good. Also bought my TICKET TO LONDON. AND I"M NOT TAKING MY CHILD, this is monumentous
*does happy dance*
Lots of love
Me

My gosh i'm a slack individual.
sorry.
Things are much better round here of late, I dropped two subjects at uni and am concentrating on living my life as opposed to fighting it every step of the way, I even cleaned my daughters room (and man it was baaad)
I dont want to be stressed out freakazoid mama anymore and if it means i have to let go of being stubborn about some things and dont get a teaching degree then I dont care.
I love my girl and I gotta find ways to show her.
so.
things are good.
not on the computer so much, still got the man chugging along nicely there.
and here is a photo of a happy lizard to keep you going.
lots of love
fg.
xx

the hell of being me

god damn.

i cant take the parent stuff anymore, and you know what ? there are NO RESOURCES for people that feel like that.

try doing a google search for " i want to give up my child" or "sending child to live with grandmother" and see how many hits YOU get.

See I am one of these hot headed yelling screaming not coping types that sometimes resorts to handling my child with more force than is absolutley necessary.

i just put her through a wall by grabbing her shoulders and pushing her up against it. (a very flimsy wall but a wall none the less, it broke) and i feel like shit. but i did it. i'd go into the circumstances,.. the 10 times i asked her to talk to me instead of writing notes giving me the silent treatment, the 5 times i stated in varying degrees of escalation that i was losing my temper and to please just talk to me..

but it wouldnt matter cos at the end of the day i am an asshole and i should have done better.

you now what ? cant get anger management for women, cant get help, cant fuckin kill myself because there is no-one to step up to the plate and take over the parenting for me and as much as i am a totally fucked up angry hurting mess of a person i actually want her to have a better life and a dead mother has decidley less potential for improvement than a live one.

I know i am destroying my child, but you know what ? i dont have the energy to do anything about it here. i need a break, a really fucking long break. i am a bad person, a shit mother, a selfish bitch, whatever, but i'm tired and i want out. i dont want to hurt her anymore she deserves better than me and i just dont have it.

my father has 4 kids to three different women, i am kid number 2 to mother number 2 he had the luxury of walking away and i wish i did. i am so much like him. so much. it scares me.he understands but hes not alot of help in his filthy house for one where he drinks beer and smokes dope all day. he said its all he ever wanted to do and that sometimes its even enough. fuck im a genetically shit person.

my daughter is 12 i do love her but it almost feels like its in an abstract sense its certainly not in the "take a bullet for her" sense, and i wish it was different, i wish it was, but its not.

i had an abortion when i was 15. i figured everyone gets one chance to fuck up and that was mine. it still messes with my head today even though it was definately the right thing to do at the time.

when i got pregnant with my daughter at 21 (day before period due, no ejaculation) i figured i had used up all my chances,i promised myself i was never going to have another abortion again so on the promise made to myself as a 15 year old i went ahead with it. no skills, no qualifications, no father, no family support, no job just ahead full of ideals. 15 year old stubborn-ness.

and god im glad she is on the planet, she is a great kid that could do and be anything she wants to be.

anyway, these 15 year old ideals lasted till she was three and got me through an easy pregnancy, breast feeding for 2.5 years, the ability to endure an on again off again rescue mission to try save her now speed addicted father so she would have one (whilst being subjected to domestic violence and all the crap that goes with having a completley nutso person think they have a right to you and your house whenever they need somewhere to stay becasue you had their child even though they disappeared as soon as you told them and didnt come back till just before she was born and continually remind you that they didnt want her)

I adored every little thing about her for three years

and then i fell into a deep depression that had me in my pyjamas for 6 months. no help from family i just existed for that time and if you told me she ate peanut butter sandwiches the whole time i wouldnt be suprised. i dont remember. that period of time was the first time i hit her. it was crazy stupid loss of control and rage at everything that had gone wrong and i think a part of me died along with a part of her that day. i dont think either of us have ever recovered.i know i never did.

we got out of that hell hole into another house and things got back on track, i went back to uni and got a job and was back in control of things.

the day after her 5th birthday i was rear ended whil at the lights in a car accident which has left me with permanent injury to my neck, regular pain and headaches and loss of strength and mobility, after a three year court case which i lost due to incompetent lawyers i was a mess. i still am, a mess.

i dont know how to fix it. if i wasnt such an anal retentive control freak i would be a drug addict or an alcoholic, im too lazy to be an excercise freak and just seem to spend a lot of time ignoring her because i dont want to yell, or scream, or cry or beg her to PLEASE pick up her dirty clothes off the floor / raw pasta from under the couch etc etc etc.

god i dont know why im writing this. i need to get it out i suppose. where is the support for people like me ? why do people not understand that when they say "you have to" that I CANT it doesnt work like that, i suppose its like telling a depressed person to "feel better" maybe im depressed. but shit i have reasons to be.

my mum ignored me too.

i really want this to get better. but i just dont know what to do. i work too much, if im not at work im asleep, or hiding behind the computer. avoid avoid avoid.

my daughter is growing into a young woman that has a lunatic for a mother, she deserves better and i just dont know where that is.

Holidays

Greetings from Aotearoa :)
This is the view from the house. fuckin good aye ?
Im having a lovely time doing sweet fuck all and don't want to come home.
I hope you are all having a wonderful time doing what/whomever it is you are doing.
Lots of Love
FG xx

explains a lot

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

cold feet

Hello my peeps (both of you)
It has been a whirlwind 6 weeks of ups and ups and i suppose that its "time" for the inevitable down.
I am still sort of seeing the new man. if you can call spending a ridiculous amount of time on phone calls and sms becasue he lives 150km away "seeing" him. Nothing "bad" has happened im just having a freak out i supose. I think i am actually a commitmentphobic man in disguise as a flaming goddess in disguise as a regular lady-human.

Either that or I want to be a rock star and take lots of coke and travel

or its just not "right". (what the fuck do i WANT ??? I am so disappointed in myself !! , I am hoping its just a downer induced by still waiting for my period, him working all fucking day during harvest and only having managed to sneak in glorified booty calls as actual visits)

I drove up to visit on Friday and washed his dishes and made dinner and sat about in the strange house until he was done with the harvesting. when he got back it was nice. I was soo tired we just lay on the couch and I WAS truly relaxed and at ease, not thinking uh-oh so thats a bonus. And dont ask me why the fuck I did dishes and cooked like a wife ( he has one of those and I certainly dont do it at home for myself so dunno what the fuck is going on there) Upside is i did totally empty out all my shit on his loungeroom floor and sort through it, I do do that at home.
It was a little weird the next day when he went to work at 6am and I was left in the house in the middle of nowhere till I decided to leave. I think its weird because a) theres none of my stuff there b) hes not there and c) its his wifes parents house and full of mental shit floating about that I dont want or need. I suppose.

Im too tired to elaborate further but thats a mini update I guess. will keep you posted becasue I know theres nothing more fascinating than reading about some dickheads dysfunctional boy dramas.

Love
FG