It's been three months since my last confession

At the risk of causing aneurisms to burst at the realisation that I have actually posted, I have come today to share a photo of Michael Franti that I took today because he happened to turn up in front of me when I had my camera.
It is not likely that having famous people turn up in front me wil be a regular occurence but I shall endeavour to keep you posted on anything of interest that occurs, and a whole lot that may not be very interesting at all.
Anyway, I'm here, I'm alive, single(again), working hard and in the middle of organising to buy a house so it's all good. Also bought my TICKET TO LONDON. AND I"M NOT TAKING MY CHILD, this is monumentous
*does happy dance*
Lots of love
Me

My gosh i'm a slack individual.
sorry.
Things are much better round here of late, I dropped two subjects at uni and am concentrating on living my life as opposed to fighting it every step of the way, I even cleaned my daughters room (and man it was baaad)
I dont want to be stressed out freakazoid mama anymore and if it means i have to let go of being stubborn about some things and dont get a teaching degree then I dont care.
I love my girl and I gotta find ways to show her.
so.
things are good.
not on the computer so much, still got the man chugging along nicely there.
and here is a photo of a happy lizard to keep you going.
lots of love
fg.
xx

the hell of being me

god damn.

i cant take the parent stuff anymore, and you know what ? there are NO RESOURCES for people that feel like that.

try doing a google search for " i want to give up my child" or "sending child to live with grandmother" and see how many hits YOU get.

See I am one of these hot headed yelling screaming not coping types that sometimes resorts to handling my child with more force than is absolutley necessary.

i just put her through a wall by grabbing her shoulders and pushing her up against it. (a very flimsy wall but a wall none the less, it broke) and i feel like shit. but i did it. i'd go into the circumstances,.. the 10 times i asked her to talk to me instead of writing notes giving me the silent treatment, the 5 times i stated in varying degrees of escalation that i was losing my temper and to please just talk to me..

but it wouldnt matter cos at the end of the day i am an asshole and i should have done better.

you now what ? cant get anger management for women, cant get help, cant fuckin kill myself because there is no-one to step up to the plate and take over the parenting for me and as much as i am a totally fucked up angry hurting mess of a person i actually want her to have a better life and a dead mother has decidley less potential for improvement than a live one.

I know i am destroying my child, but you know what ? i dont have the energy to do anything about it here. i need a break, a really fucking long break. i am a bad person, a shit mother, a selfish bitch, whatever, but i'm tired and i want out. i dont want to hurt her anymore she deserves better than me and i just dont have it.

my father has 4 kids to three different women, i am kid number 2 to mother number 2 he had the luxury of walking away and i wish i did. i am so much like him. so much. it scares me.he understands but hes not alot of help in his filthy house for one where he drinks beer and smokes dope all day. he said its all he ever wanted to do and that sometimes its even enough. fuck im a genetically shit person.

my daughter is 12 i do love her but it almost feels like its in an abstract sense its certainly not in the "take a bullet for her" sense, and i wish it was different, i wish it was, but its not.

i had an abortion when i was 15. i figured everyone gets one chance to fuck up and that was mine. it still messes with my head today even though it was definately the right thing to do at the time.

when i got pregnant with my daughter at 21 (day before period due, no ejaculation) i figured i had used up all my chances,i promised myself i was never going to have another abortion again so on the promise made to myself as a 15 year old i went ahead with it. no skills, no qualifications, no father, no family support, no job just ahead full of ideals. 15 year old stubborn-ness.

and god im glad she is on the planet, she is a great kid that could do and be anything she wants to be.

anyway, these 15 year old ideals lasted till she was three and got me through an easy pregnancy, breast feeding for 2.5 years, the ability to endure an on again off again rescue mission to try save her now speed addicted father so she would have one (whilst being subjected to domestic violence and all the crap that goes with having a completley nutso person think they have a right to you and your house whenever they need somewhere to stay becasue you had their child even though they disappeared as soon as you told them and didnt come back till just before she was born and continually remind you that they didnt want her)

I adored every little thing about her for three years

and then i fell into a deep depression that had me in my pyjamas for 6 months. no help from family i just existed for that time and if you told me she ate peanut butter sandwiches the whole time i wouldnt be suprised. i dont remember. that period of time was the first time i hit her. it was crazy stupid loss of control and rage at everything that had gone wrong and i think a part of me died along with a part of her that day. i dont think either of us have ever recovered.i know i never did.

we got out of that hell hole into another house and things got back on track, i went back to uni and got a job and was back in control of things.

the day after her 5th birthday i was rear ended whil at the lights in a car accident which has left me with permanent injury to my neck, regular pain and headaches and loss of strength and mobility, after a three year court case which i lost due to incompetent lawyers i was a mess. i still am, a mess.

i dont know how to fix it. if i wasnt such an anal retentive control freak i would be a drug addict or an alcoholic, im too lazy to be an excercise freak and just seem to spend a lot of time ignoring her because i dont want to yell, or scream, or cry or beg her to PLEASE pick up her dirty clothes off the floor / raw pasta from under the couch etc etc etc.

god i dont know why im writing this. i need to get it out i suppose. where is the support for people like me ? why do people not understand that when they say "you have to" that I CANT it doesnt work like that, i suppose its like telling a depressed person to "feel better" maybe im depressed. but shit i have reasons to be.

my mum ignored me too.

i really want this to get better. but i just dont know what to do. i work too much, if im not at work im asleep, or hiding behind the computer. avoid avoid avoid.

my daughter is growing into a young woman that has a lunatic for a mother, she deserves better and i just dont know where that is.

Holidays

Greetings from Aotearoa :)
This is the view from the house. fuckin good aye ?
Im having a lovely time doing sweet fuck all and don't want to come home.
I hope you are all having a wonderful time doing what/whomever it is you are doing.
Lots of Love
FG xx

explains a lot

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

cold feet

Hello my peeps (both of you)
It has been a whirlwind 6 weeks of ups and ups and i suppose that its "time" for the inevitable down.
I am still sort of seeing the new man. if you can call spending a ridiculous amount of time on phone calls and sms becasue he lives 150km away "seeing" him. Nothing "bad" has happened im just having a freak out i supose. I think i am actually a commitmentphobic man in disguise as a flaming goddess in disguise as a regular lady-human.

Either that or I want to be a rock star and take lots of coke and travel

or its just not "right". (what the fuck do i WANT ??? I am so disappointed in myself !! , I am hoping its just a downer induced by still waiting for my period, him working all fucking day during harvest and only having managed to sneak in glorified booty calls as actual visits)

I drove up to visit on Friday and washed his dishes and made dinner and sat about in the strange house until he was done with the harvesting. when he got back it was nice. I was soo tired we just lay on the couch and I WAS truly relaxed and at ease, not thinking uh-oh so thats a bonus. And dont ask me why the fuck I did dishes and cooked like a wife ( he has one of those and I certainly dont do it at home for myself so dunno what the fuck is going on there) Upside is i did totally empty out all my shit on his loungeroom floor and sort through it, I do do that at home.
It was a little weird the next day when he went to work at 6am and I was left in the house in the middle of nowhere till I decided to leave. I think its weird because a) theres none of my stuff there b) hes not there and c) its his wifes parents house and full of mental shit floating about that I dont want or need. I suppose.

Im too tired to elaborate further but thats a mini update I guess. will keep you posted becasue I know theres nothing more fascinating than reading about some dickheads dysfunctional boy dramas.

Love
FG

lucky lucky lucky me

i am still alive.
i am conversing a lot with the man who makes me laugh a lot, . . a lot. ( is alot one word or two? my brain seems to have done fell out)
i am liking this very much, (the conversing not the dementia.)
i am sorry to be neglecting you.
i am not sorry that i am getting some hot love action.
i am pretty damn happy at this present time.
i am going to pursue the hot love action until it dies a horrible death, or not, preferably not.
i am going to tell you allllll about it as soon as i figure you what it actually is.
i am afraid if i talk about it it will disappear.
i am going now.
i am loving you all.
i AM a flaming goddess, yeehah!

Overrated

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.5
Mind:	4.5
Body:	4.5
Spirit:	4.1
Friends/Family:	4
Love:	3.1
Finance:	5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Idea totally stolen from Agent Fare Evader in order to provide a post.

Have had hayfever for three weeks and its assignment time ( again) not happy.

Carry on.

and thanks for visiting.

Fg

Meltdown

Happy Saturday Everyone,
Thanks for the heads up about the double post, thought id made a teensy amendment but seems i just recreated my error in all its glory, all fixed now.
I am still plodding through my assignment, its the same damn thing every time, i protest and scream and throw things and threaten to pack it all in (again) and end up handing up some piece of rubbish and passing , usually with a p1 or credit, before the whole cycle starts again.
At this rate, of doing one subject a semester (because I got a pretty much fulltime hours but only casual status job two months after I went back to uni I've had to pull right back) I only have 14 years left of this crap. 144 units of work, ive done 18 if i do summer and winter school i can cut it to 7 years. theres a way to cheer myself up. not.
I wish i could be barcode scanned and assesed as good enough and they just let me have the damn degree. i hate regurgitating stuff, the hardest part is figuring out what they want to hear and how they want to hear it. which does my head in becasue its all bullshit.
I will try to keep this in mind when I am marking your grandchildrens assignments :)
cheerio
FG

hey guess what . i did it ! took me 18 years..

id rather eat johnny depp than lollies

cant ... stop .... eating ...
pms is not my friend.
have nothing of note to report. went to see the new charlie and chocolate factory last night, was ok but feel biased due to repeat exposure to gene wilder as a youngster.
on a scale of hotness though id pick johnn depp for sure, even if it meant cannibalism.
watched "crash" last week best movie ive seen for ages, recommend it. um what else..
FINALLY got passport photos done and filled in form and put it in with the guarantor bit in the wrong fucking ink colour so have to do the whole thing again.
still no guarantee that daughters will get done becasuse i have to put in a special form explaining why there is no father signature on it. (becasue he ran away and doesnt care about his daughter doesnt cut it apparently ) so i have to prove that ive looked for him and seing i have no fucking clue where he is its a kind of challenge i dont need so its the form.
im really feeling quite hormonally worked over at the moment so excuse me if im not witty and verbose ( its not worked over in a good way by any means)
the only other knews i have is long and convoluted and boring involving the dramas associated with two of my friends having started a relationship and me being left out in the cold and wishing them ill.
so ill leave that for another day.
till then i resume my never ending quest for adventure.
stay tuned.

Public Service Announcement

Because I have nothing else of note to report I will just give out a handy hint

If you insist on taking home a scottish man to shag and he turns out to be a "talker" and says things like "do ya like my cock in yer pussy" it WILL remind you of Fat Bastard and it WILL NOT get you off.

that is all.

How to love your Mama

I am feeling much better now, thanks for asking, what no one asked ? no one is reading ? LALALALALA god its quiet in here. anyway breathing unaided is sooo underrated and heres something I found that I want to share

This is one guy that loves his Mama and Im all for that seeing as I am one myself, hes also a photographer (I'm still working on that one) I love his photos and he does a real good down to earth honest no bullshit pohoto-journo-realism thing

His mother lost everythign in Hurricane Katrina and hes documented the aftermath through his incredibly loving and perceptive lens.

heres a brief example of his writing. damned if i can get the stupid picture to work.

This is Ricki. She's
homeless. And
poor. She's been waiting in line in a Kmart parking lot
for
three hours, no
shade, scorching summer. She's been waiting to get
her FEMA
claim number. She's
heard they've been giving two thousand
dollars in aid,
but she's worried because
they will only direct deposit
it in bank accounts,
or mail her a check. She's
worried because she's
poor, and doesn't
have
a bank account to direct
deposit into. And
she's worried because she's
homeless, so she can't get the
mail the
check might be in.Ricki is only 32.
When
I asked if I could take
her
picture she was worried she'd look bad
because she hadn't done her hair. I
told her she was beautiful. And I meant
it.>

please visit Siege
(via http://ikeepadiary.com/diary/index.html
via http://jakebronstein.com/5/toomuchinfo.html)

and yeh, i gave and it felt good. i want to see the pictures of
his
mum happy again.

Poorly

Apologies for my abscence, I was hospitalised with lungs that decided to have a holiday.
A week in hospital on Oxygen being pumped full of antibiotics it appears I am now allergic to and another week (and counting) at my Mothers and I'm about ready to be well now.
I was discharged with an epipen under strict instructions to jab myself with it should my throat swell and my lungs collapse. okie dokie. Meanwhile im full of Seratide and Steroids and havent been able to talk for a week. this is not fun. and neither was this . . . . . .

It will be-ee, It will be so nice

I've just booked a HOLIDAY, an actual out of the house ,the state, the country H O L I D A Y
whoopeeeeeeeeee.

I have decided that paying extra tax all year round is a much better way of saving than actually trying to put it somewhere myself where i cannot touch it.

So, the junior miss and I are off to New Zealand for three weeks in January Im so excited, I havent been there since I was 4 (thats 30 years ago folks and far out that makes me feel old.)

where was I , oh yeah, excited, and Im not often excited let me tell you. I havent been this chuffed about something since I purchased a sexy new graphics tablet for myself and that was yesterday so this week is a good one for the frivolous purchases / deserved rewards.

I have family in NZ so its not like totally uncharted territory but I promised the junior miss that I'd take her overseas before she turned 12 (and had to pay adult fare) Im cutting it a bit fine because she will have her birthday smack bang in the middle of the HOLIDAY but nevertheless If I do this for her as promised then the next holiday can involve me and beer and she can stay with Grandma.

New Hotness

I like Jake, Jake makes me laugh and Jake is hot, in a totally real person you'd like to get sweaty with and laugh with and fuck and eat doritos* in bed with kinda way.

Jake is also a leetle bit crayzee as am I, this is comforting makes me feel less alien, a little more stalker ... but less alien.

*insert food of choice here

click on Jake to go to Jakes blog.

Jake Jake Jakeity Jake

Almost one Semester down, 7 to go

Yippee, Ive got all assignments back and although I didnt do my usual "its crap" just to end up with a credit thing, I did in fact pass so I dont have to do anything over. hoo-fuckin-ray !!

I got my first distinction for a subject though, that looks interesting on my academic record full of F2's and W's,(unofficial v official withdrawals)It's amazing what a difference not being depressed and overwhelmed does to a transcript.

I havent yet failed anything that I have actually handed up, I take pride in that :) even if my record tells a different story.

My next challenge is to work out how to drop a web design subjext I want to do NOW into a teachign degree Im scheduled to complete in 2012.

Then its 8 weeks of maths !

eek.

Random Sunday FG Factage

1) I have a massive crush on David Walliams.

2) I dont "do" dusting.

3) I wish I was thinner but I am afraid I'd ahem "turn into" an uncontrollable sex monster if i was.

4) I dont really like chocolate, or icecream

5) I want to be Annie Liebowitz when I grow up.

6) I have three jobs and am studying teaching at uni (until I grow up)

7) I still miss my ex because when he wasnt being an asshole he loved me, and he was hot. and we had lots of sex. (he's been dead for three years.)

9) I dont like shopping much.

9) I'm posessed with a rapier wit that is not always used for evil

10) I dont like the beach.

Jeebus that was a bit depressing. I only wanted to talk about David Walliams really.

Hotness.























You may have seen him in another of his incarnations ..... I just wanna see him naked and up close. with noooooone else around. But Dave , hey if you are reading this I'd settle for a chat over a beverage.

pictures worth thousands of words

1) Flaming Goddess

2) Flaming Goddess (in Disguise)

Thanks To Jelly for the link to the Superhero Generator

I feel much better now.

and a little more motivated gym wise

a bit of wot I fink

I believe that due to the particular nature of this school it would be remiss of me not to give credit to the way the school as a community has evolved to respect and nurture the learners outcome as part of the bigger picture. While a strong emphasis on children possessing an innate significance as both individuals and part of a greater society may not be seen by some as “an example of teaching practice” it being put into practice to encourage students to perform at their best and become not only a successful learner but a successful member of the wider community provides an essential underpinning to the receptiveness of the student to positive learning outcomes.

all with a stupid laptop fingermouse and no *r* key. 500 words to go.

I am gonna get sooooooooooooooooooo drunk when I have my new birthday.

More assignments miss internet rubbish collector?

why is it that when what i really want to do is go to bed and sleep what im ACTUALLY doing is sitting up trawling the internet dredging up garbage of no consequence drinking copious amounts of coffee telling people that im "doing assignments" why dammit whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cant i just fucking do them and go to bed. and sleep.